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Confessions of a Soft Drink

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Hello, I am a humble, effevescent liquid. Humble? Well, that is debatable. Actually, I am quite proud of myself. Allow me to brag a little.

I fizz, sparkle, and bubble my way into thousands of people all over the world every day.


I stir men, women and teenagers to dash into their cars late at night to speed to their nearest 24-hour convenience store.

I motivate others to root through their purses or pockets for the last vestige of pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters with which they will gladly part in exchange for me.

The best thing about me is: I AM ADDICTING.

I am responsible for giving thousands of addicts their daily “fixes.” This is because I sometimes contain a substance called “caffeine.” Caffeine is a stimulant. It makes their hearts beat very fast and makes their nervous systems work like crazy! They feel as though they could take on the world.


I’m a sneaky double-agent, too. I pretend to give people all the good they need because caffeine gives them a “lift.” However, a few hours afterward they come crashing “down,” get shaky, and need me AGAIN...for another pseudo-charge. This plays havoc with their hearts and nerves, but they still look to me for relief. I feel very smug because I CALL THE SHOTS!

To give me an appetizing brown tint, I contain “caramel coloring,” which has genetic effects and is a cancer-causing suspect. I sometimes have polyethylene glycol as one of my ingredients. Glycol is used as anti-freeze in autmobiles.

The bubbles and fizz with which I potently burn human insides is caued by my phosphoric acid and carbon dioxide. The phosporus in the acid upsets the body’s calcium-phosphorus ratio and dissolves calcium out of the bones. The can eventually lead to OSTEOPOROSIS, a weakening of the skeletal structure, which can make one susceptible to broken bones.

Also, the phosphorus fights with the hydrochloric acid in human stomachs and renders it ineffective. This promotes indigestion, bloating and gassiness in many individuals. Carbon dioxide is a waste product exhaled by humans, but they ingest it when they drink me.

Am I HUMBLE? Well, look what I can do.

Author Unknown



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